


Anti-Excoriation

by Naphorism



Series: The Extraterrestrial Art of Dicking Down [2]
Category: DCU, DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Affectionate Insults, Alien Biology, Alien Character(s), Alien Sex, Alien/Human Relationships, Anal Sex, Attempt at Humor, Bickering, Bottom Jason Todd, Bottom Roy Harper, Dirty Jokes, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship, Flirting, Forehead Kisses, Humor, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Insults, Jason Todd is So Done, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Not Pictured, Pet Names, Polyamory, Protective Roy Harper, Roy Harper is So Done, Safer Sex, Swearing, Tamaranean biology, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M, Top Koriand'r, Weird Biology, Worried Roy Harper, am i wrong?, but let's be real he's dating kori, did I imply kori is hung?, maybe a bit more than implied this time, nope - Freeform, worried koriand'r, wouldn't call it porn tho, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24867172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naphorism/pseuds/Naphorism
Summary: The dangers of Tamaranean biology have been well and truly established. That still won't stop Jason Todd! Well, he didn't think so, right up until his paranoid boyfriend started freaking out for no reason.
Relationships: Koriand'r/Jason Todd, Roy Harper/Jason Todd, Roy Harper/Koriand'r, Roy Harper/Koriand'r/Jason Todd
Series: The Extraterrestrial Art of Dicking Down [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1799266
Comments: 8
Kudos: 156





	Anti-Excoriation

**Author's Note:**

> Now to take a sharp 180 from the wholesome thing I posted yesterday: this shitshow.  
> Continuation of Hit Call. This really won't make sense without reading that first.  
> This isn't actually porn. It's just three idiots bickering with one another and being thick-headed while not-so-secretly caring for each other's safety. That safety just happens to concern an alien dick.
> 
> P.S. I feel anyone who clicks on this deserves to know that the draft summary was: "I literally could not give one shit," says local brat, Jason Todd. "Gimme that dick."

“Seriously?” Roy sighed, dropping the groceries and supplies he had been sent out to retrieve. “I expected Jason to try. But Kori? Don’t you have more self-control?” He looked at the back of Kori’s head warily, pretending he couldn’t tell that Jason was trying to make eye contact with him over her shoulder. He hadn’t even stopped bouncing up and down in Kori’s lap when Roy came in. He didn’t _deserve_ eye contact. “Why didn’t you stop him?”

“Apologies, darling,” Kori apologised in an unconvincing imitation of her most innocent voice. “You know how he gets when he begs.”

Roy rolled his eyes. He did know, but it wasn’t an excuse.

“Calm the fuck down, fire crotch,” Jason panted, giving up on eye contact and tilting his forehead to rest against the top of Kori's head instead. “We’re using a condom this time, it should— fuck _, Kori._ ” His knuckles went white where he was gripping the backrest of the couch on either side of Kori’s shoulders.

“ _Jason_ ,” Roy reprimanded, rubbing his temples. He was certain that he could feel a headache coming on. “Can you stop riding Kori for long enough no finish a single sentence, please?”

“Fuck you. No,” Jason hissed. “I do what I… what I want.”

Kori, ever the enabler, laughed gently at Jason’s words. She pushed his head back then pulled him down for an almost chaste kiss that remained that way no matter how obviously Jason tried to turn it into more of a tongue fuck than a peck. “It should be fine now that we have a barrier. I believe that’s what he was trying to say." When Jason tried to lean in to get her to kiss him again, she held a single finger to his lips. “We’re having a conversation with Roy, dear star. Don’t let yourself be distracted, you need to be able to speak," she teased.

Roy ignored the way Jason took Kori’s hand near his lips as an invitation to get three of her fingers in his mouth. He cleared his throat. “You don’t know that’ll stop it. Condoms break, and centimetre-long spikes can probably rip them. Have you seriously forgotten last time?”

Jason groaned around Kori’s fingers then pulled back, his lips slick with spit. “How could I? I felt that shit for a whole _week_.”

“Made your _hole weak_ , did it?” Roy asked, smiling slightly.

“Fuckin’ set myself up for that.” Jason snickered slightly. “But it did.”

Roy laughed along for a moment before doing a metaphorical double-take. “Wait. You enjoyed that?”

“It’s like,” Jason trailed off in favour of dragging his lips along Kori’s jawline. “Like you don’t even _know_ me,” he finished, his words muffled against Kori’s skin.

“Last time you said, and I quote, _this shit isn’t fun, Roy. You're not trying this, ever. Neither am I, ever again._ Ringing any bells?”

“Oh, _yeah_ ,” Jason hissed, and Roy had no idea whether that was the answer to his question or his reaction to whatever Kori was doing now that she had both hands free. He wasn’t about to peer over the couch to see. “Once it wasn’t stuck anymore it was fine. Good. Fucking _great_.”

“We had to use like half a litre of Green Lantern Corps-approved anti-excoriation lubricant in a turkey baster to get you unstuck! Have you guys seriously forgotten that?” Roy exclaimed incredulously. “You wanna go through that again? If I have to look Hal Jordan dead in the eye and ask for extraterrestrial lube that prevents tearing one more time I will tear my own hair out!”

“Told you tall, dark, and douchey wouldn’t help,” Jason grumbled snottily, his words more coherent than anything else he had said so far.

Roy sighed. “Bruce called Hal and let you two stay in a discrete corner of the batcave’s med-bay. That’s not nothing. You seriously expected your adoptive father to get involved in a medical incident that involved your ass and your alien girlfriend’s dick?”

As Kori laughed, Jason grunted vaguely. The grunt was definitely more of a _you’re right and I hate that_ noise than a _wow, good angle Kori_ noise.

“He has a point, Jason.” Kori gripped Jason’s thighs to hold him still, even as he furiously wriggled around in her lap. “We could stop. We’ve had a good time, yes? This way if a condom is insufficient in preventing post-coital injury, we won’t have to find out.”

“No!” Jason exclaimed, thighs flexing as he tried to shake off Kori's grip. “We’ve made it this far. Let’s fucking _find out_.”

“Roy would be happy to take my place. Would you not enjoy that?”

Jason gave Roy a bizarre look. His eyes were narrowed, and he was gnawing on his lip in a way that should not have been sexy in the slightest but somehow was.

“You’re gonna say something mean.” Roy sighed and picked up the groceries again. “Hit me with your best shot, babe. Lay me bare.”

Smirking, Jason purred, “You’ll feel small after Kori, Royboy. You aren’t royally hung like some people are.”

“And there it is.” Roy rolled his eyes. “Fucking size queen.”

Kori was frowning. “That was cruel, Jason. Roy is well-endowed by human standards, and it’s unfair to compare him to a different species. Like comparing apples and oranges. Besides, anything he lacks in that department he makes up for in skill and stamin—”

“Shut up,” Roy groaned, finally walking around the couch to lean over Jason’s shoulder and kiss Kori, nearly braining Jason with a bag of groceries as he swung an arm past his head to hold himself up on the backrest. “He’s just teasing. You’re way more embarrassing than him.”

Jason took advantage of the distraction of Roy kissing Kori by moving again.

Roy and Kori both hissed, “ _Jason_ ,” at the exact same instant.

Throwing his head back and letting his eyes fall shut, Jason gave a breathy, “What?”

“You won’t be swayed, will you?” Kori asked quietly, but it wasn’t a question. She looked at Roy, who was trying and failing to get Jason to stop by leaning his full weight on his shoulders. “Very well. I apologise, darling. You know how he is.”

“Yeah, I do. Doesn’t mean we should let him get away with it.”

Jason drawled, “You gonna—” he cut himself off with a loud exhale, somewhere between and grunt and a sigh. Reaching back to hold Roy in place, Jason hooked his fingers behind Roy’s neck. “Gonna try an’ punish me, babe?”

“Maybe.” Roy leaned closer to Jason’s ear to whisper, “You admitting you’ve done something to deserve being punished?”

“N-no.”

Kori hummed. “Do you _want_ him to punish you?”

“No.” Jason smirked, tightening his grip on Roy’s neck until Roy could feel his blunt nails digging into skin. “I want him to try.”

“Oh, you aren’t gonna need any punishing, Jay.” Roy pulled away and ruffled Jason’s already completely messed up hair. “I don’t even need to try. You do the one thing you’re not supposed to do, and the spines’ll punish you all on their own.”

Jason whimpered.

Roy’s eyes widened. “Seriously? Jay. Seriously. Kori, stop him.”

Jason whined as Kori grabbed his hips to hold him still, using enough strength that he couldn’t really fight against it. “Fucking come _on_ , Roy. What the hell?”

“You’re not into the spines,” Roy stated decisively. “I’m not sure why’re acting like you are now, but you hated it. There’d be no reason to pretend to the point where I have to admit to your grandfather figure that you’re injured from our girlfriend’s cock up your ass. What’s up?”

Groaning, Jason said, “I literally just want Kori to fuck me, dude. That is _all_. But fucking _no_ , the universe can’t gimme that. You wanna fuck me, right Kori?”

“I wonder.” Quirking one eyebrow at Jason and smiling innocently, Kori gave a rapid thrust up.

Breath hitching, Jason breathed, “ _Yeah_. That’s a _yeah_. So, damn. All I fucking want is this one thing, Roy, and I have problems with instant gratification. Spines can kiss my ass, we’ll figure out a way around them. This is just a first attempt.”

“Jay. Baby.” Roy tilted his forehead against the top of Jason’s head. “I’m just worried about you. We both are.”

“Yes,” Kori agreed. “I’m sorry. I was, you might say, _thinking with my dick_. That’s no excuse, but there it is. We care for your safety.”

Jason snorted suddenly, surprising Kori and Roy. “You guys know I conned like six litres of that anti-excoriation lube off Hal Jordan, right? I’m a cockslut, but I’m not a dumbass. I wouldn’t’ve shoved your dick in my body if I thought there was a chance of having to call Alfred, Kori.”

“Is that… what you had me use on you earlier?” Kori asked slowly, trying to peer at the ground where a bottle of lube lay abandoned. The writing on the plastic was in an indecipherable dialect, but Jason was always buying weird lube flavours and brands online using a credit card he had stolen from Bruce. He thought it was hysterical that no one could say _tangerine_ or _candy_ _apple_ near the great Batman anymore without him doing a full-body twitch. Foreign languages and weird design didn’t necessarily mean anything.

Rolling his eyes, Jason nodded.

Kori frowned. “I’m a fool. Roy and I always accuse others of underestimating your intelligence but here we are, doing the same thing. My apologies, dear star. We should have known better.”

“Damn fuckin’ straight,” Jason growled. “Now _move_.”

Sighing, Roy announced, “Yeah, ‘kay. I’m gonna put the groceries away. You have fun, call me when you need a turkey baster.”

Five minutes later, as he was putting away paper towel, Roy heard the telltale drawn-out whine that meant Jason was coming, closely followed by the quiet and almost elegant grunt that meant Kori was too. He grabbed the turkey baster, listening to his partners murmuring for a moment.

“Darling, you should try to—”

“Yeah, hold on.” After a moment of silence, Jason shouted, “Halle-motherfuckin’-lujah!”

Next thing Roy knew, Jason had stumbled into the kitchen, snatched the turkey baster, and thrown it in the garbage. “Life is great, babe, it really is,” he announced, grabbing Roy’s face and planting three smacking kisses on his forehead, nose, and lips in quick succession. “Condoms and alien lube.” He kissed Roy. “Are.” Another kiss. “The best.” Yet _another_ kiss.

Staring at Jason, dazed, Roy mumbled, “I— Okay. You had a good time, then?”

“ _Yeah_ ,” agreed Jason. He kissed Roy again, slow and open-mouthed. “You should try. You wanna try? Hey princess, how fast can you get it up again?”

Kori’s tinkling laugh echoed throughout the safe-house.

**Author's Note:**

> Whoa wait did I accidentally write a two-part cautionary tale about the merits of safer sex? Whoops.  
> Idk why my brain looked at the the first part and went "yeah more of this weirdass shit is needed," but here we are.  
> Thanks for reading! All feedback welcome, and comments give me miniature heart attacks (in a good way) so please share your thoughts.


End file.
